Saudi Arabia to allow women to breathe

The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia reversed a long-standing and controversial policy tonight and announced that it will now issue special licences to the country’s women allowing them to breathe without the permission of their husbands or fathers.

King Salman announced the news himself, adding that it is in keeping with his country’s ambitions to move forward into the 8th century and that he would now consider further proposals to liberalise the strict Islamic nation, like allowing women to be held on 10ft chains when taken to the workhouse by their husbands instead of the current 5ft maximum length of chain that Saudi law allows, and raising the age that a girl must be married off to a rich sheik from six all the way up to eight. Although he made sure to remind Saudi women that if they are caught doing “sinful” things like going to the toilet without a man’s permission or not waiting until the family dog has finished eating before starting their own dinner then “they will soon find that they won’t be breathing very much for too much longer special licence or not.”

“Oh really, really well fucking done you,” said the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women in a statement released to welcome the king’s decree. “Reach behind yourself and give yourself a big fucking pat on the back.”

ISIS immediately denounced the new arrangement, accusing King Salman of being “no better than a pot smoking American hippy at Woodstock” and vowing to overthrow the House of Saud and impose its own rule over the land of Arabia “and then no-one will have any need to breathe as we’ll kill everybody and then ourselves.”