American tanks have been rolling into West Belfast and B-52 bombers dropping their deadly loads on the area after US President Donald Trump added the Divis Hoods Liberation Army (DHLA) to his new ‘Axis of Eejits’ declared at his recent UN speech and vowed to crush them in 30 days.
“Divis Hoods made Belfast people’s lives a misery for years under Obama. Sad! Going to destroy them in 30 days like I did with ISIS,” Tweeted the President before giving the order for the attack. Political experts are speculating he came to the decision after mixing up North Korea and Northern Ireland. “It’s the whole ‘partition’ thing and knowing the northern part of that divided country has been threatening the US. This president has trouble with the small details,” said Professor Nerd McSpindle of Queen’s University.
Speaking to the Daily Slabber today, Tache McScum, 12 year old father of five and the much feared kingpin of the DHLA said that the American actions didn’t worry him as “We git ‘bombed’ ivry dey awneywey so we donee gie a fuck mucker, is all good craic te us so it is,” boasting that his ‘soldiers’ have been busy hijacking the tanks and diffing them around in circles outside the Divis flats before setting them on fire and drinking a carryout around them. Added his girlfriend and matriarch of the crime gang, 14 year old mother of three Millie O’Beese, “Git ye de fuck outta here wi yer wee paper hinking yer all smart an all an batter dan us cos ye read. Ey’ll fuckin stab ye in de ballix ye wee dick ye.”
Local residents have been nonchalant about the ongoing US military campaign in the area. “I didn’t even notice it myself to be honest mate,” said one long-suffering resident who didn’t wish to be named. “Things blowing up, fires everywhere, wrecked buildings, people lying ‘wasted’ on the street all over the joint. I just thought the wee hoods were having a typical weekday night’s ‘fun’ again,” adding that he was against the war, asking “Can’t we just kneecap the wee bastards like old times?”