Belfast playboy Hughie Heffer dies: A nation mourns

Tributes have poured in for ‘Big’ Hughie Heffer, the Belfast playboy behind the ‘Wankboy’ pornographic empire that spanned the island of Ireland.

Founded in 1958 when he was just 16, ‘Big’ Hughie seen Wankboy go from a few sneaky photographs he took of his ma and his sisters in the shower and which he sold to his mates for feg money, to a much lauded magazine title, a range of strip clubs and ‘houses of ill repute’, and a movie house responsible for such classics as ‘Schindler’s Fist’, ‘Raging Bullroot’, and ‘Rattan Great Granny Toothless Sucking Vol. 41’.

“Hughie Heffer brought the sexual revolution to Ireland,” said Queen’s University Professor of Social Studies Nerd McSpindle. “He fought to change the then draconian laws north and south so he could transform his fortnightly Wankboy magazine from one that showed women in scanty clothing to one where they had no clothing on at all. When ‘Wankboy’ relaunched as ‘Wankboy: Gunks Clean Aff Them’ the whole country was both scandalised and gripped by it.”

Hughie did face obscenity charges in 1987 when his famous magazine controversially featured Belfast model Sandie Row with her face unshaven, causing moral outrage among the public. But after years then of hiding away from the world in his famous Wankboy mansion, which is two flats at Divis knocked into one, ‘Big’ Hughie soon bounced back from his troubles, and from a messy divorce with the aforementioned Sandie, becoming in later years one of Belfast’s most envied men after he settled down with his long-term girlfriend, 17 year old budding model and film star Millie O’Beese, with whom he already had five children with. “I’ll miss him sitting there in his famous red dressing gown all day smoking his king size fegs,” wept Miss O’Beese today to this reporter. “Nai I’ll have to find some other silly old rich cunt to keep me and my horrible brood. Put the word out in yer wee paper for me that I take it in the dunger will ye?”

Rest in peace, Hughie Heffer. May you finally be as stiff again as you were in your younger years.