‘Save the animals, eat me instead’ declares insufferably principled vegan

A Belfast man who describes himself as a “passionate champion of vegan meal times” has offered to allow himself to be “slaughtered, boned, cooked and eaten” in place of an animal.

22 year old Daniel Wormcock (pictured) told the Daily Slabber that his offer to be a willing human sacrifice is merely the “next logical step” in his activist lifestyle. “I really believe that cows, chickens etc. are equal to human beings,” explains Daniel. “So when I pass a restaurant and glance in the window and see someone sticking a fork into a chicken breast it is like seeing a cannibal at work. Horrific. So I thought to myself, ‘As an intelligent, thinking mammal with the power of speech why can’t I save the next poor animal from the slaughterhouse by giving up my meat to the carnivorous humans instead. It’s an entirely reasonable proposition, and I like to believe that the hens would do it for me too if they had the power of speech. Yes, I really like to believe that.”

He went on to quote Jesus: “‘No greater love hath a man than to lay down his life for his friends,’ and all animals are my friends.”

We spoke to a farmer, Muck McSavage, and asked him would he take up this selfless offer, which would involve a farm animal that was to be sent for slaughter being released in exchange for Daniel’s meat. Said Mr McSavage, “Hmmmm, there’s not much meat on that lad in the first place is there. I definitely couldn’t go a cow, nor even a sheep for that. Maybe a chicken, and that is being generous. Alright, bring him along and I’ll stick him in a coop and then have him put in the next delivery lorry to Moy Park. Although I’ll be billing his mother for the lost revenue in eggs this lucky chicken would have laid for me.”

Professor Nerd McSpindle of Queen’s University Food Science Department was not impressed with Daniel’s sacrifice. He told us: “Studies have consistently shown that there is no meat at all on vegan activists, they are instead 100% froot. That farmer was pure stroked.”