World on the brink but feminist campaigner pines for wars Hillary could have started instead

In the wake of Donald Trump’s ominous ‘calm before the storm’ remarks, which many fear are a warning of imminent war with either North Korea or Iran, outspoken Belfast feminist campaigner Patricia O’Hairy has told of how she ‘daily pines’ for the wars Hillary Clinton would have started instead had she won the US presidential election.

“Trump, Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi, Putin, Kim Jong Un … What you’ll no doubt notice about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is that they are indeed four horseMEN and not one single woman is amongst them,” complained O’Hairy. “I was so hopeful when Hillary ran against that animal Trump, I really dared to dream that at least one of the agents of global Armageddon would be a horsewoman instead. Hillary could easily have matched and even outdone Trump in war mongering.”

She went on wistfully. “Instead of starting a war with Iran she could have invaded Syria. Instead of fucking about with little North Korea she could have went straight for China. And don’t get me started on what she could and no doubt would have done with Russia. Oh my.

“Isn’t it just typical that the patriarchy has appointed all four apocalyptic positions to themselves? In an ideal end-of-the-world the Four Horsepeople of the Apocalypse would consist of a team of one woman, one transgender, one non-binary, and maybe one man, as long as he was gay. Then I would happily die in a swirling global hell of disease, famine, war and death. ”

She finished: “Ah you can only dream of what could have been.”