As Secretary of State James Brokenshire today warned that time is fast running out for a restoration of government at Stormont before he is forced to set a budget for Northern Ireland himself, Sinn Fein announced that in order to break the impasse they will re-enter Stormont without agreement on an Irish language act if the Conservative government allows them to dig up the body of former Tory Prime Minister Baroness Thatcher and shoot it “at least a dozen or more times. Preferably more.”
“Fuck it. Fuck the Irish language act. Fuck an equal marriage act. Fuck everything. Give us that bitch and let us carry out what we consider to be a reasonable act of postmortem revenge on her and we’ll come crawling back,” said Gerry Adams earlier at a press conference held to announce the proposal. “We’ll even consider taking our seats at Westminster and voting with the Tories if you just give us this bitch to shoot.”
Responding to the Sinn Fein proposition, Prime Minister Theresa May said it was “worth some thought” but may run into problems as the body of Baroness Thatcher had been dug up a few years ago by an angry ex-miner and staked through the heart “just to make sure” according to the miner and that after his arrest the man reported that her body had “immediately burst into a screaming mass of raging flames and thick, swirling smoke” and that there may be no remains left now in the grave at all.