After the latest massacre by an assault rifle-wielding maniac in America left 26 people dead, American politicians on the right along with the NRA have conceded that their previous strategy to combat gun rampages – praying to God while doing absolutely nothing to change what the rest of the world widely regards as America’s insane gun laws – has not worked, and have announced that they are coming together to enact what they say is a “brilliant” new strategy that “is bound to work this time”.
“We are going to stop these massacres by asking Santa to intervene in place of God,” announced President Donald Trump to reporters following him on his tour of Asia. “God has proven to be as good at his job as Obama was at his. Sad!” went on the most powerful man in the world. “So I have Tweeted him to say ‘You’re fired!’ and on this occasion instead of doing something as worthless as asking an invisible magic man to stop the gun massacres in our nation we this time, and considering the time of year this is I think this is even more bound to succeed, are asking Americans to send their prayers instead to Santa Claus asking him to sort this problem out. Santa is as magical as God but doesn’t hide away as we’ve all seen him in shopping malls around Christmas time and on Christmas morning every year without fail he delivers presents to all the kids in America. Once again: He delivers on his promises, very unlike God, who is just an overhyped failure like Hillary. This is the best strategy ever, believe me: No more gun massacres in the USA and we get to keep our gun laws as they are. It’s a total win all round.”
Critics have conceded that Donald Trump will bring gun massacres in America to an end by Christmas because by then he’ll have killed everyone in the world in a rain of nuclear fire and there will be no-one left anywhere to go on a killing spree.
When asked for comment Santa Claus said he was too old now to believe in things such as Donald Trump.
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