ISIS condemn dissident republicans after pipe bomb left on Remembrance Day parade route

ISIS have accused dissident republicans in Ireland of “giving terrorism a bad name” after a pipe bomb left beside a memorial to 29 people murdered in the Omagh bombing disrupted a Remembrance Day parade on the 30th anniversary of the Enniskillen bombing.

“I really … I just don’t know what to really say about this,” said ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi in an audio message released through official ISIS channels. “I just have to repeat this out loud so I can even start to believe it: To mark the 30th anniversary of one of the most reviled republican attacks in the history of the Irish Troubles they again attacked a Remembrance Day gathering with a bomb, and to make it doubly worse they left that bomb beside a memorial garden for 29 innocent people slaughtered in another universally reviled attack by republicans. Allah wept. You just can’t talk to people like that.”

He finished: “They must be taking too many of the drugs they are selling. This is really making me think twice about my life choices. I mean, violence is just wrong, isn’t it? I think I’m going to join the Hare Krishnas or something after hearing this, it’s just sickened all the violence out of me. I’m away now to listen to some John Lennon songs on Youtube and draw rainbow-coloured doves all over my hideout’s walls. I’d order the kidnapping and beheading of a few of these dissidents as a last act of violence but I don’t think their heads contain any vital organs.”