In an event sure to rock the religious world to its core, God, the universe-creating deity worshipped by countless millions, has said that he can no longer believe that he himself exists.
Said the 13,880,231,031 year old father of one, “Over the years I’ve had my doubts what with all that famine and war and child mortality and all that stuff that is to be found all around my creation, but I struggled through it all by telling myself that it was all for the best and that I had a plan to eventually make it all alright which would in turn justify my existence.”
He went on: “But then one of the angels came and told me that today Nigel Dodds had made a speech at the DUP conference that alluded to my hand being behind the UK general election results that put his party in tight with Theresa May, and I thought to myself ‘This is fucking absurd. None of this can be real. A fucking all-powerful divine being that controls the little, little lives of men, and furthermore one that gave enough of a cunt to somehow fucking intervene to put that party of dribbling fundamentalist loons – who’ve always been an acute embarrassment to both me and my son – into a position of influence in the UK for some reason unfathomable to even me, although probably something to do with flegs because I really, really give a massive donkey’s dick about flegs hey. Oh the whole thing is absurd. The whole idea of me is absurd. Everything is just fucking absurd’. So I now declare myself to be non-existent and from midnight tonight Heaven time I will utterly cease to exist, as will everything I have ever created. Everything is over, it will all go. Nothing more ever will exist. Not even empty space as that would be something. Nope, just nothingness. Non-existence. A complete lack of matter and consciousness. And it’s all down to Nigel Dodds making me realise that I just can’t be real. Good night forever to everyone.”