Brexit deal for UK in sight as DUP agree to have hard border drawn around them

The impasse over the Irish border, which had threatened to derail the chances of the UK getting a Brexit deal from the EU, has dramatically been solved after the DUP agreed to a compromise plan which will see Northern Ireland stay in the customs union while the rest of the UK leaves it but with special mobile ‘border areas’ being built around senior members of the DUP, with the space in each of those ‘special areas’ being designated completely EU-free and totally in line with the rest of the UK post-Brexit.

Each special border area will measure 10 square feet and consist of some floor along with a desk for the DUP member to work at. It will be manned by British soldiers and customs officers and will be built on a wooden platform with little wheels underneath it like a baby walker and a little hole under the desk allows it to be powered by the politician’s feet in the style of Fred Flintstone’s car. Checks on goods coming through the special border areas will be made and tariffs imposed if needs be. For example, if Sammy Wilson orders a Club Orange with his burger and chips takeaway, when it arrives an extra 5p may be imposed on the soft drink as it is made in a Dublin factory, a price Mr Wilson said today he is willing to pay to stay “as British as Finchley.”

“Look how British we are, just as British as the people on the mainland, wheeeeeeeeeeeee!!” said DUP leader Arlene Foster as she tested out one of the new mobile borders today in preparation for when the UK leaves the European Union. “Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” she screamed out as she moved the little mobile border unit through the Fermanagh countryside.

“To be honest it was the best idea anyone had come up with in all of this,” said a clearly exasperated Michel Barnier to the Daily Slabber. “We just said ‘Yeah, yeah, we’ll go with it if it keeps you all happy. Jesus Suffering Christ we’ll just go with it to get this thing done’.”