Brexit impasse sorted as entire UK agrees to follow DUP straight to the bowels of Hell

The Irish border problem that had thrown the Brexit negotiations into complete chaos and farce has finally been resolved after it was agreed that the whole of the UK will geographically leave Europe and teleport itself into the fiery dimension of Hell.

With now nothing but sea east of Donegal until you reach Sweden, the question of the Republic of Ireland’s post-Brexit relationship with the north has become moot, and Brexit negotiations between the UK and the EU have also been concluded in their entirety.

DUP leader Arlene Foster was the politician who came up with the game-changing idea, and after receiving first-hand reassurances from former party leader Ian Paisley via the use of an Ouija Board that Hell was indeed a kingdom ruled over by a long-serving monarch, Satan, and not a republic as some DUP members first feared, Mrs. Foster and her party decided that the best course of action to break the deadlock was to drag Northern Ireland and the rest of the UK into the burning pit of screaming souls and unspeakable abominations rather than compromise on the border question.

“I’ve controlled most of the UK’s leaders since Thatcher,” said Beelzebub Lord of Hell, “so it’s not really a big deal for me to welcome the whole place here now. It seems to keep some of their politicians happy anyway, Theresa May has just told me that’d she rather hold onto power as Britain’s PM in one million degree heat than step down, and Arlene Foster is going around slapping the screaming members of the Tory cabinet on their melting backs and saying ‘But this was the only way to keep us all British together and I’ll bet you’re all glad of it eh? God save the Queen! No surrender! Oh don’t you all just love Ulster for all the joys it brings good ol Blighty all the time!’

“I suppose they could have saved themselves all this by just getting rid of the ridiculous little Irish border altogether, but that’s just crazy talk isn’t it?”