A well-to-do Donnybrook family of social climbers have spoken of their “absolute devastation” after their youngest son, 18 year old Conrad O’Brien, admitted to them that he is heterosexual and fancies girls.
“I haven’t left the house at all for days because of the acute embarrassment this has caused me amongst friends and neighbours,” sighed his 48 year old mother Margaret O’Brien. “And it’s even worse for his poor father, who on foreign business trips to Europe had been boasting to other like-minded liberal people how our own Taoiseach is, like you know sooooo totally gay and how right-on we all are now in Ireland because of it. He really was the envy of so many rather delightful Europeans who said they dreamed of the day they had a gay or transsexual or non-binary leader for their country. And now this. How they all must now be sneering behind his back.”
Mrs. O’Brien said she and her husband were forced to confront Conrad after discovering that someone had been viewing straight pornography on the kitchen computer. “We knew it couldn’t be his older brother James as he is as gay as Christmas, thank God. And my husband swore it wasn’t him, so that left only one suspect. Conrad confessed almost right away that it was him and broke down in tears saying that he had tried his best to be gay to please us but it’s just not who he really is. We are thinking of sending him to hetero conversion therapy in California to try and turn him at least bisexual. But at the end of the day he is still our son and we will learn to love him regardless. We just don’t know what we’re going to do if he insists on bringing a girl home though.”