Prominent loyalist Willie Frazer has spoken of his incandescent rage after he woke up this morning bearing the marks of the stigmata – the bleeding holes in the hands and feet that Catholics believe correspond to the wounds Christ received during his crucifixion.
“It’s an utter and total disgrace,” said a furious Mr Frazer earlier while showing off his wounds at his Markethill home. “To be shown by Christ that you are in his favour is one thing but only Roman Catholics believe in stigmata so I know that IRA thramp the Pope is behind this with his black magic that he practises at the Vatican. I know Gerry Adams and Slab Murphy have told him that I was too Protestant for my own good and they have got him to send this over to me to try and convert me to their faith. I’m the least Catholic man in the world so what do I want with these wounds? They’re all just republican scum behind it.”
Even as hordes of pious Catholic pilgrims descended on Mr Frazer’s home to declare him a living Catholic saint and to beg him to intercede with God on their behalf, an official Vatican spokesman spoke only of the Church’s “bafflement” on the matter; although one Vatican insider we managed to speak to explained it thus: “I’m in no doubt that the stigmata wounds Mr Frazer has received are the real thing and not just faked by him. It’s not that God is declaring him a venerable Catholic though, it’s just that even God and Jesus have now realised that trolling Willie Frazer is fucking hilarious.”