Notorious American anti-gay group the Westboro Baptist Church have this evening arrived in Ireland to begin a series of planned protests around the country after a chance encounter one of their members had with a holidaying Irishman in America in which the Irish person was overheard talking on his mobile phone about how he was “enjoying the American fags alright” but couldn’t wait to get home to get the Irish fags back in his mouth again.
Shirley Phelps-Roper, a prominent member of the hate group which pickets funerals of US soldiers to protest America’s generally liberal stance on gay rights, says the overheard conversation led her group to begin scanning social media profiles belonging to people in Ireland to see how common “this sort of behaviour” was in the country and the findings she says made their “hair stand on end”.
“We saw one Mick claim that he gets through 100 fags a day sometimes, which is a shocking amount of fags even for the very worst sodomites out there,” said Mrs. Phelps-Roper. “Another said he only goes for the fags when drunk and said he had had 40 fags in his mouth the night before and had been spitting out thick wads of goo all morning because of it. Still another boasted of his party trick where he sucks on 10 fags all at once, the same disgusting sinner going on to say he had started on fags at aged nine after stealing some from his father! May God sink this cursed rock into the sea. We have come to pray for Ireland’s destruction.”
Mrs. Phelps-Roper said they will first be travelling to Clare to protest at the funeral of a man they learned had died over Christmas from a lifetime of fags, but said they took some comfort after speaking to a Dublin man on the flight over who had lamented to them that “bleedin’ health and safety laws” were the only thing stopping him from taking out a fag or two on the plane and burning them right down to their butts, something which he had assured the group was common practise in Ireland.