DUP in shock after party leader Arlene Foster says he self-identifies as a woman

The uber-conservatives of the Democratic Unionist Party are reeling after party leader Arlene Foster last night sensationally ‘came out’ as transsexual, saying he regards himself as a woman in a man’s body.

Arlene, now Mrs. Foster, made the announcement on UTV News, saying that he – or she, as she now is – had been struggling for years as a woman trapped inside the hairy, muscular body of a large man. “Although my outer features are completely masculine, I have known for some time now that I’m really female,” said Mrs. Foster in a moving, and stirringly brave, interview with the broadcaster in which she appeared wearing pearl earrings and makeup to signify her transformation.

Mrs. Foster said she hopes to continue leading the DUP, although admitted this may be a bit of a problem “as we aren’t known for our enlightened views on LGBT issues, something I admit I have been a hypocrite on all along.”

“I had no idea, none of us had,” said a flabbergasted Ian Paisley Jnr. “You look at Arlene Foster and you see a man’s man, someone who could easily lift a tree trunk over his head with those massive man-arms of his. To tell me he now has changed into a woman just because he wears a bit of lipstick is ridiculous PC nonsense. I, and I think I speak for the whole party here, will never accept Arlene Foster as anything but a man.”