Local wanker relieved he’s not a paedo after discovering ‘Derry Girls’ actresses are in their 20s

A 62-year-old chronic masturbator from Belfast has spoken of his “profound relief” after discovering that the actresses from the Channel 4 sitcom ‘Derry Girls’ that he had been wanking about were all aged in their twenties and thirties and not all underage as he had feared.

Desmond Kennedy told the Daily Slabber that he had been feeling “like a bit of a paedo” ever since the first episode was broadcast after giving into temptation and knocking a few out “over that deadly looking blonde thing that plays the main role.”

“Fuck I was happy when I read today that all them girls are played by women well of age and aren’t really schoolgirls of 15 and 16,” said Mr. Kennedy. “I sat down to watch that show when it started and it wasn’t long before I gave into temptation and had a quick one over that main girl. Before the episode was out I’d had five in total over her and her friends. I don’t even know if the show was funny or nat as I was just wanking the whole time. Here I tell ye what, that was some relief to find out that I’m nat a paedo after all, I’m just a normal dirty old man. Nat near as much of a relief though as I’ll have when I get aff the phone to you and knack another big one out over the whole fucking lat of them.”