BREAKING NEWS: MAN NOT GUNNED DOWN IN DUBLIN ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT

Shocked crowds of onlookers gathered on various Dublin inner city street corners in the early hours of this morning after word quickly spread throughout the city that Dublin had somehow managed to go without a gangland killing for one whole night.

On one Crumlin street corner we visited, a crowd of around two hundred people, some visibly pale with shock, had gathered around a small area where they had fully expected to see a chalk outline on the pavement this morning along with a heavy Garda presence. “We still can’t take it in,” said one trembling woman. “What does this mean? This area hasn’t seen anything like it since I was a child.”

Gardaí are appealing for witnesses to any of the non-murders to come forward “so we can see how this managed to happen.” Said a spokesman, “Obviously this was an unprecedented night in the capital and we’d like to speak to anyone who can help us with our inquiries into how this happened in the hope that it somehow can happen again. Although at the moment we must admit that the entire force is baffled.”