A massive conspiracy has been uncovered after a Sinn Fein whisteblower revealed that Gerry Adams had the entire top tier of the DUP secretly murdered and buried in bogs in Monaghan some years back and replaced by realistic-looking cyborgs which he controls himself from his computer.
The aim of the conspiracy has been to sabotage the union by making the Adams-controlled DUP say no to every attempt Sinn Fein makes to create a modern and stable society in the north, thus, in the words of the whistleblower whose identity we are keeping secret, “pissing off enough garden centre soft taigs, Alliance voters and young people that, along with the already convinced nationalist voters, it is guaranteed they will all admit the north is an unreformable circus state and vote in a united Ireland in 10 years max.”
“The technology used is brilliant,” said the whistleblower, “although we had a bit of trouble with the Gregorybot which just kept foaming at the mouth and repeating the word ‘fleg’ over and over again in the early days, but no-one seemed to notice any difference anyway.”
Went on the Sinn Fein Deep Throat: “It’s a fucking brilliant plan by Adams and he truly deserves his reputation as the greatest Machiavelli in Irish political history but to be honest he needn’t have bothered. The DUP are that unfathomably pig-ignorant and stupid the real ones would have danced to his tune anyway.”