US President Donald Trump has told reporters at a White House press briefing that had he been around 65 million years ago he would have extinguished dinosaur life “with my own bare hands, never mind that crappy asteroid. I would have ripped those loser lizards apart armed with nothing but my larger-than-average hands, starting with t-rex. It would have been nothing to me. They didn’t even pay taxes, to me they were nothing but animals. I have no respect for them. I would have been the best dinosaur killer ever, I really would have.”
Mr Trump then went on to list a number of other historical events he said he wished he had been at so things could have turned out differently than they did.
The assassination of Julius Caesar: I tell you, if I been the big ruler then and those shmucks had come at me with their knives, those knives would have been going up all their butts. And before Brutus – or ‘Bummus’ as I like to call him – died with his own knife up his ass I woulda made him confess than Crooked Hillary had sent him to kill me. Because I know she was behind Caesar’s death. That I can tell you. But Caesar was a loser, he was stupid, he didn’t even have a gun on him when they came to get him. Big mistake! Huge. Now he’s gone. Would still be around too if he had listened to me and armed himself with a good Colt.
WW2: The Nazis, well, I think there was some very fine people among the Nazis. I think me and Hitler could have gotten on, he was a good guy really, just a lot of bad press from the fake news has given him a bad name. We could have worked something out. But the Japs? Forget it! I woulda took a fighter plane over there right after Pearl Harbor and ‘Rat-a-tat-tat-tat!’ took out all ’em slanty-eyed punks in Tokyo and their secret Godzilla weapon just like that. War woulda been over before teatime.
The Vietnam War: Only my bone spurs kept me from going over there … I tell you, only for that we woulda won that thing. Hands down. Vietnam today would be the 51st state. And it would be even more republican than Texas, that’s how hard we would have won.
9/11: If those losers had tried to crash a plane into Trump Tower I woulda caught it by the nosecone and then hopped on board, took out the bad guys with my actually quite massive and manly hands and then, after evacuating the passengers, turned that thing around and flew it right back to Iranland and aimed it direct at the mullahs’ fat butts and parachuted out just before it hit them, shouting “‘Ayatollah’ you all not to mess with America, losers!” and then, bam!, watched that thing explode right up their asses.
Donald Trump won 62,984,825 votes when he stood for election.