Massive child abuse scandal in the Church: A Daily Slabber exposé

Further to this week’s news on the local child abuse scandal which led to the Bishop of Dromore resigning, the Daily Slabber today lifts the lid on a national abuse scandal involving millions of Irish children and which is sure to rock Ireland to its core.

The horrific scandal has seen countless members of the clergy, many times supported in their acts by conniving members of the lay community, terrify children of all ages by making them believe made-up stories they told them about a magic angry cloud man who sees everything they ever do and who can throw them into a lake of flames once they’re dead.

Among the tales the children were forced to believe:

  • That a ghost woman dressed in blue haunts various shrines and wells around the country and is known to jump out at random on children as they pass them and scare them witless by ordering them to repeat magical incantations to the cloud man.
  • That one day the world as we know it will end and then all the deceased people will rise up from their graves like zombies come back from the dead.
  • That the cloud man has a nemesis, a red man with goat legs and a swinging tail and who lives in a never-ending fire, and that if you don’t do what the cloud man wants of you, such as being an African with AIDS and going on to have 15 children with the same condition, or telling a creepy priest how many times a week you masturbate over your big sister’s friends, then the red man will come and take you into the fire with him.

We can also reveal that consecutive governments had full knowledge of what was going on right under their noses but allowed this to happen anyway with absolutely no regard for the trauma and distress it has caused so many, many children in this land, some of whom never recover from it and indeed have been known to go on and inflict it upon their own children, such is the legacy of this scandal which is sure to outrage the nation.