Over 20,000 people have drowned, with the number still rising, as disastrous floods of holy tears of blood from heaven hit Northern Ireland after Jesus Christ began to weep uncontrollably during a viewing of this week’s Nolan program.
The unrelenting deluge of tears has become so severe that it has formed gushing rivers of blood which are washing away whole streets and drowning people by the hundreds. According to Gabriel, a heavenly source we spoke to, Christ began the heavy weeping after former UUP chairman David Campbell said during the program that an Irish Language Act in Northern Ireland would lead to the genocide of the Protestant people. This, says Gabriel, “put Jesus clean buck mad with despair for the inanity of the human race and he just stared down at the northern part of the island of Ireland and began roaring and weeping” and, further according to him, raised his arms in the air and screamed “Is this what I died for? 12 fucking hours on that cross so cunts like this who go around telling everyone they’re my mate can sit and talk fucking shite like this their whole fucking lives?!? IS THIS WHAT I FUCKING WELL DIED FOR FATHERRRRRRRRRRRR??! I’LL GIVE THE CUNTS GENOCIDE ALRIGHT!”
“I don’t think there’s much chance of the weeping stopping in the short term,” warned Gabriel. “I think such is the big lad’s despair at that fucking Campbell loon that he’ll be weeping like that for weeks, probably for long enough to drown everyone in Northern Ireland. And then our problems will really start because when the like of that Campbell start knocking on the door here looking in, I fear Christ’s tears at the thought of eternity listening to that could drown the whole fucking world. Naw, the whole fucking universe.”