Bordering on the ridiculous: UK government says border that is no border at the border means border can be a border with no border between the borders

Theresa May has reassured the Irish government that there will be no border on the border as she plans to create a borderless border to replace the already seamless border and that in turn the new border between the UK and the EU can’t possibly be a border as she will not countenance a border between Britain and Northern Ireland so even though the border between Northern Ireland and the EU won’t be a border it must be a border the same as the border between the UK and the EU that will indeed become very real once the UK as a whole entirely leaves the EU, leaving the border between the EU and the UK in Ireland a border as the entire UK including Northern Ireland will not have a border between it.

Mrs May says this will be made possible by building a hard border on the island of Ireland but then building a soft border over the hard border so that the border will just sort of melt into itself which means that the open border that becomes a closed border stays as an open border, leaving it the only border which will exist when the new border that doesn’t exclude Northern Ireland comes into existence between the UK and the EU. According to Mrs May, this border is the only way to avoid a border altogether.

DUP sources have let it be known that any such border would win their full support as they want a hard border and a soft border along with no border at all at the same time, but that any moves to create a border around the place which wants the border would see them withdrawing their support for Mrs May’s government, leading to an election which would put into power a PM who wants to do away with the border altogether. This, said the party sources, is the only way to safeguard the border.

Sinn Fein, meanwhile, have carried on pretending that they’re against the border becoming more of a border even knowing full well that that border will eventually lead to the border becoming less of a border by ceasing to be a border altogether, leaving the unionists who voted to leave the union responsible for helping create a situation that seen them leave a union they hate so that they could leave a union they love and join again with the union they hate and all because they originally left that union in the first place in order to protect as they see it the integrity of the union they love.

“Thank God the world is run by psychopaths with thousands of nuclear-armed missiles at their disposal,” said one keen political observer. “Because when the imminent apocalypse takes place all this will happily cease to matter.”