New dissident republican paramilitary group the Irish Republican Movement, which is being led by a mysterious literal puppet, is definitely going to be the one to free Ireland at last, it has emerged.
The group announced itself yesterday in the Irish News and since then the whole political process has been thrown into a tailspin, with the Brexit battle maps having to be literally redrawn as it becomes clear that there will now be a united Ireland in four months at the most, solving the border dispute that had threatened the whole withdrawal process.
“These are definitely the boys to do it, we have to admit that,” said a senior police source to the Daily Slabber. “Most groups are led by a fiendish puppet master, these boys have turned that on its head and are having their strings pulled by the actual puppet itself. They’re on a whole new level. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m away to take a crash course in Irish to prepare myself for a life in the Gardai.”
“We don’t know about strings, mate, but we can sort you out with as many lines as you want,” said a member of the IRM when asked for comment.