Does Putin have secret tape which would embarrass America? Investigating the rumour that just won’t go away

It’s the political rumour that just won’t go away, the salacious claim that billionaire businessman and confirmed ‘water sports’ fan Donald Trump was secretly filmed by Russian President Vladimir Putin’s spies being sworn in as President of the USA.

The allegation, contained in a dossier compiled by ex-MI6 agent Christopher Steele, has given satirists and television comedians material that has lasted them for over a year now, and if proven to be actually true would cause a scandal so large and an acute embarrassment so profound that the proud nation of America might never recover from it.

Said Professor Nerd McSpindle of Queen’s University’s politics department to us: “The whole thing is too outrageous to be true, but it’s hilarious all the same imagining that it is. The image it brings up in our heads, of Russia’s canny spy masters secretly recording an event so obscene and grotesque that it leaves us both holding our sides with laughter at the outrageous and comical nature of it all while simultaneously reaching for the boak bucket, is just too scandalously delicious to let go off.”

He went on: “Imagine, though, that the story is true. Given his well-known propensity for finding beds that Obama once slept in so he can get hookers to pish on them for him, he could be in the White House master bedroom right now having Melania open her flaps all over the bed. Although that’s not to say that Melania is a hooker. Hookers, as you know, sleep with men just for their money, whereas Melania … oh.”