‘All cakes are gay – ban them all’ declares DUP

As the Ashers ‘gay cake’ controversy returns to the courts, the DUP have called for the banning of all cakes, saying that the “extremely campy” nature of the baked sweet desserts marks them out as being “really very gay indeed.”

Party leader Arlene Foster explained: “After looking carefully at a random selection of cakes that we found in shops, the party has come to the conclusion that there are no normal, godly heterosexual cakes to be found these days. The elaborate overuse of icing, the garish decorative colours, the soft creamy fillings and the poofy little toppings such as strawberries, cherries or rainbow-coloured sprinkles show us that cakes these days are all outrageously, sinfully homosexual. An acceptable cake in our eyes would consist only of sponge and maybe, on special occasions, a bit of jam to go with it, but all the cakes we have looked at for our study just scream absolute gayness at us and as such are abominations. They must all be banned.”

The DUP are currently propping up the government of the United Kingdom.