Today’s sunny spell has led to a dramatic increase in women in Belfast city once again having to don their special rubber water-proof knickers so as to help protect their modesty as their raging vaginas react to the number of clinically obese men walking around with their taps aff flashing their pale, blubbery stomachs and drooping, hairy man-dids.
One woman we spoke to, who wished to remain anonymous, told us of an alarming incident on the first sunny day of 2017 when she seen a “20 stone spide walking around the Falls Park all proud like with the triple-ax-size Celtic tap just slung over his shoulder, his pallid, milk-white belly bouncing madly in 10 different directions at once like a fleshy sack containing a litter of newborn kittens. Fuck didn’t I just immediately flood the path with fanny juice, it ran like a river into a nearby grating. Feral childer fallyed me home slut shaming me, it was tarrible. This year I’ve brought the water-proof knickers to wear so’s it doesn’t happen again.”
Pointing out an extremely obese tapless man in the street as we interviewed her, she gasped “Fuck look at that bit of gear there, he must be 25 stone. It’s nat even that boiling hat but when they’ve worked to get bodies like that they don’t waste any chance to flaunt them, and I’m nat complaining! Jesus I’d pull the moobs clean aff him so I would, I’d suck them like a hungry baby. Thank fuck I’m wearing these knickers. Think I’ll just go find a pack of older smicks in their thirties or forties drinking on a green somewhere and hide in the trees and flick my bean until it bleeds. See ya!”